To be who you are in the world today,
Is in truth, less than the top of a pin’s head.
A mere leaf of a tree; oh how cliché?
Consider marshmallows more valuable,
Than your lethargic presence from your bed-
To be who you are in the world today.
You might as well go trudge and haul dog sleighs-
You’re nothing more than a book unread,
A flea drowning in a large load of hay.
You’re but a speck of sand in the desert,
A star among space’s milky white bed.
To be who you are in the world today.
Nevertheless, if your legacy stays-
If you do a good deed to lead the misled,
To destroy the karma that tends to betray.
Saving one life is in a way portrayed,
As saving the world, a glass sphere on a thread.
To be who you are in the world today,
Has a value no man could ever repay.
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I like how you try to portray someone as an unimportance to your life, if that's what you're trying to get at. I would try to expand the poem. It seems a little short and the point isn't made completely across. Good job, keep it up! merR.
ReplyDelete<3 YONIBEAR <3
ReplyDeleteYou are a really amazing writer, just saying :)
I LOVE this poem. The line you chose to repeat, "To be who you are in the world today," is really strong and worth being repeated. The rhyming worked out perfectly, and the peice flowed really nicely. Also I COMPLETELY DISAGREE WITH AJ because I thought the point was pretty obvious and well presented.
YOURRR AMAZING.
I like your repitition, "To be who you are in the world today." However, same as "DJ" AJ RUN said, you should put more details.
ReplyDeleteI think that if you senmt this to someone they might cry, thats how good it seemed. I think the point of making some not important to your life was pretty clear, but i agree with Aj got a tad bit lost oin there at some points. Then again being just a flea drowning in a stack of hay is pretty bad and does make someone seem unloved for sure for sure. I think it got to the point and did not beat around the bush at all. Mad good brah
ReplyDeleteI really really liked this. It's kind of short though... I think there's a lot more you can say. This is like, intense. It makes me think of when people rant about other people who they hate. Your poem is damn good.
ReplyDeleteMr. Yoni, I'm sorry to say, this is... good. So I'm not sorry to say it, I lied. I like the image of "A flea drowning in a large pile of hay" because while it is impossible I thin that is what makes people imagine this small insignificat flea struggling in this large sea of hay. I think the title work because it's not a full Villanelle thus bringing the reader to the conclusion that you lied. If I was to compare this to an animal it would be a minituare horse, beautiful and graceful but really, really short, I mean shorter then a pony. Good job, I've been wanting to use that one.
ReplyDeletei like how u explained that we are nothing compared to the world. This is a good poem for someone to read who is really fed up with themselves. Great stuff.
ReplyDelete